Catch me a Catch, Someone Interesting
by hu3long2
Summary: One-shot. Renji gets volunteered, to his great discomfort, by the SWA for their latest escapade. As Rukia says, "Spring is in the air!" Stand-alone story set in my Fanfiction Universe. RenByaRen as well as some other pairings mentioned.


Title: Catch Me a Catch-- Someone Interesting

Characters: Renji, Rukia, Matsumoto, Hinamori, Byakuya, Ikkaku, Ayasegawa, Isshin, Unohana

Pairings: RenBya (and as per the request, mention of one-sided Hina/Aizen, Ken/Uno, Isshin/Masaki, Isshin/Ryuuken)

Rating: T

Spoilers/Warnings: Mention of various characters but nothing canon plot/Fluff, sap, pillow talk, not quite crack, just humour

Other prompts: gen 11th Division, Isshin/Masaki backstory, Forbidden, Winter, "He saw nothing else."

A/N Written as a fic for LJ's bleach_contest Christmas fic exchange. My Fanfiction Universe, as usual.

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"The Winter War is over, and the reconstruction of Soul Society is nearing completion. It's the time to welcome Spring into our lives after a long Winter, don't you agree? Spring, the time when flowers bloom, bees buzz and even hoary hearts open up to love. Especially in the case of the taichous! Now that we've got you and Nii-sama settled, we need to move on to the next couple." Kuchiki Rukia's voice was glibly and soulfully eloquent.

Abarai Renji was starting to get a very bad feeling about this. He found his gaze riveted to the earnest and mock innocent entreaty in Rukia's expression as some nameless instinct faded all other sights and sounds from his awareness and snagged for his ears a phrase of significance.

"The next couple?" he repeated warily.

"Well-said, Abarai-kun!" Matsumoto Rangiku chimed in, sky crystal eyes sparkling. "We knew you would enter into our feelings! After all, people in love want other people to fall in love too!"

"They do?" parroted Renji, as three determined pairs of female eyes held him frozen in place. Ice skittered up his spine.

"Yes, Abarai-kun," replied the last member of the delegation. Hinamori Momo clasped her hands before her chest. "Unohana Taichou has done so much for all of us, we want her to be happy too."

"Unohana Taichou? Don't tell me you're..." Renji's deep voice ended dangerously near a high squeak. Unohana Retsu was a fellow taichou, a senior officer and the physician who had personal charge over his health. On all these counts, one did one's best not draw her negative attention.

"With Zaraki Taichou," added Matsumoto quickly. "We think they're a perfect match."

The adrenalin draining into Abarai veins instantly spiked. Only the concentrated attention of three vaguely menacing female gazes kept Renji seated. Finally, after several deep breaths, he found his voice. It was, to his dismay, unlike his usual baritone. "Are you insane? The healer and the killer?"

Matsumoto's eyes gleamed. "Why, Abarai-kun, have you never heard the phrase "opposites attract"?

"Yes, Abarai-kun!" Hinamori chimed in enthusiastically. "We all agree that there's just... something in the air when the two of them meet."

"Yeah, that's because Zaraki Kenpachi walks around in a cloud of blood-lust and leaking reiatsu."

Renji's statement was met with pitying looks that said that he just was not getting it. He raised a hand to his suddenly throbbing head, feeling as if he had just woken from a three-day drunk. Not that he had experienced that recently, but some memories never faded. He suspected that this conversation would take its place among that number. Determinedly, his mind skittered away from the thought of Unohana Retsu and Zaraki Kenpachi-- together.

However. "And why are you telling me this?"

Three pairs of eyes turned calculating.

"Uh-uh. No, whatever it is. No."

It was Rukia who spoke again in the usual admonitory and bossy tone she had perfected on him. "Don't play dumb, Renji. We need your help."

Renji eyed the door longingly. Instinct and experience informed him that his release from these women could only be accomplished on a massive wave of destruction. However, he did suppose that going into bankai to escape the three would be too extreme a reaction. And Byakuya would be furious at the damage to their home, not that the Kuchiki Residence lacked space, or Kuchiki Byakuya the funds to redecorate.

Time to make a stand. "No-oh. I'm not going to play matchmaker for you. Anyway, isn't this something you and your SWA would do better? Or even Ikkaku and Ayasegawa? Surely they know Zaraki a lot better?" Long experience with his three best female friends told Renji that protest would likely prove futile, but a man had his pride after all.

"We can't ask Yumichika and Ikkaku, they're his direct subordinates! And we're subordinate shinigami too, even if we're not Fourth or Eleventh. It would go against protocol if we interfered."

"Hasn't really stopped you before, has it?" muttered Renji, sotto voice. Rukia's middle name, after all, was "Interference". And several other choice epithets. And proud of it.

Rukia leaned forward and whacked Renji across the chest. Wincing, Renji glared at her but Rukia remained serenely unconcerned. "Don't worry, Renji, I didn't hit hard enough to leave a mark. I know Nii-sama doesn't like it when I do."

Renji flushed dully. The only marks Byakuya appreciated on Renji's body were the marks he himself placed. He felt several strategic spots on his chest and abdomen tingle. Forcing all expression from his face, he folded his arms stonily, ignoring Matsumoto's and Hinamori's knowing exchange of looks.

"Speaking of Byakuya, why aren't you asking him? He's been a captain longer than I have and knows Unohana Taichou a lot better than I do. Besides, as Kuchiki-sama, he has a lot more prestige." Not that Zaraki or even Unohana would care about the last. At last, a corner of Renji's mouth quirked upwards at the thought of Byakuya as a society matchmaker, wending his elegant way between the Fourth and the Eleventh Divisions.

Eyebrow cocked, he awaited their response. He suspected he was the trio's only intended victim. The timing was too coincidental and between the three of them, his and Byakuya's schedules were an open book.

Rukia hardly blinked. "We only have to tell you! You're married, and married people tell each other everything."

"We're joined in civil union."

"It still means you're married, just that no one's calling you Lady Kuchiki."

"Not that it would be accurate anyway," murmured Matsumoto, mischief lighting up her eyes.

Rukia frowned energetically at her. "Nii-sama's not really Mrs. Abarai either! I thought we had established that! They both limp! All the time!"

Renji forced down his flush at this bold-faced speculation on his and Byakuya's relationship. He was a man, men did not blush when ribbed about sex by a bunch of women. In fact, they gloried in their prowess. After all, how many men could make iKuchiki Byakuya/i limp? But, it was ithese/i women and, to all intents and purposes, Rukia was his isister/i...

"Shut up, Rukia," he growled. "Or I'm leaving. You can try asking Byakuya then."

Rukia snorted and folded her arms, mirroring his pose. She threw him a challenging stare. After amused glances at him, Matsumoto and Hinamori sat backed and calmly sipped their tea.

Renji counted to three, then extended the number to twenty while he thought about the topic at hand. Finally he spoke, his tone mocking. "You could have chosen a better time if you had wanted Byakuya involved."

Rukia's sly grin flashed again. "Nii-sama has a meeting with Satoshi oji-san today. I would hate to pull him from an important meeting for this. And you'll tell him anyway."

"Ha, what you're saying is that you've deliberately picked a time you knew he wouldn't be around to drag me into this."

"Well, Nii-sama thinks Satoshi oji-san flirts too much with you every time the full moon comes around, so he never wants you to sit in on meetings during these times." Rukia's words were tacit acknowledgment.

"I can't believe Byakuya actually bothered to calibrate all the occasions to come up with this ridiculous conclusion," muttered Renji. His partner claimed it had something to do with his spiritual pheromone cycle. Come to think of it, Byakuya was particularly fond of jumping him during times of greatest moonlight, but Renji always assumed it had more to do with Byakuya's fondness for enjoying the dark without the aid of artificial lighting, and Renji had to admit that there was something magical about making love with only the moonlight gilding their bodies. At those times, he could see nothing but Byakuya. To be honest, not just during those times. Byakuya's presence frequently filled even the interstices of his attention.

He was brought back to his surroundings by Rukia's punch in the sternum. As he recovered his breath, Matsumoto and Hinamori smiled at him with complicit comprehension, the glint in their eyes peculiarly disturbing. These women! He ignored them in favour of his sanity.

"So tell me, you three, what makes you think I can get Zaraki and Unohana together?"

"You are a taichou, and they're both taichous. Things would be so much easier if you acted for us. And Nii-sama's also a taichou, so you don't have to worry about protocol." Hinamori, Renji noticed, was nodding vigorously in tandem with Rukia's words. Matsumoto merely looked mysteriously and amusedly feline.

"Some things are still forbidden territory, Rukia. Messing with Zaraki's love life springs immediately to mind as one of them and I would hate to have him come after me swinging his sword. Besides, can you imagine Yachiru's reaction? She may not show it, but she's immensely possessive of Zaraki!"

"You fight Zaraki Taichou all the time, Renji, you're the last person, apart from Ichigo, to worry about Zaraki Taichou coming after you! As for Yachiru, that's why it has to be Unohana Taichou, if there's ever to be anyone for Zaraki Taichou! She and Zaraki Taichou would be the perfect family. She's the only shinigami who can handle Yachiru!" Rukia grinned slyly. "Nii-sama probably comes a distant second, but he's already taken."

Renji's jaw dropped for a moment, before he managed to bellow an outraged, "Rukia!"

"It's all right, Abarai-kun," said Matsumoto placatingly. "I don't think that thought ever crossed the minds of either Kuchiki Taichou or Zaraki Taichou!"

Renji glowered, tattooed brows tightly clenched. "Is this what you females discuss at those meetings of yours?" he demanded.

"Ah, Abarai-kun, you know that our meetings are held under the seal of secrecy! It is forbidden to reveal our proceedings to male shinigami!"

A low growl sounded from Renji's throat. "Don't tell me!" Then a sudden, divergent thought struck him. "But doesn't Byakuya sometimes attend your meetings when Rukia's in the living world?"

Matsumoto gave him a smug smile. "Yachiru deals with him when he turns up. Besides, we never discuss anything of moment at those particular meetings." She gazed at him from under lowered eyelids. "We admire his sense of duty, and he does truly improve the aesthetics of our meeting room. But we would quite understand if being a married man, he ceases to grace us with his presence."

Reluctantly, Renji's lips turned up in a crooked smile. "Cramps your style, doesn't he? I'll let him know. I'm quite sure Rukia doesn't need his reports of the meetings anyway." Though given Byakuya's ironic sense of humour, Renji was absolutely sure that he was perfectly aware of the feelings of the SWA and enjoy putting a spoke in their wheels in his own inimitable way. However, it merely seemed to have driven them iunderground/i. Renji frowned.

Rukia tapped her tray with her teacup like a judge with her gavel. "Zaraki and Unohana Taichous," she said meaningfully. "No more digressions allowed."

Renji grimaced in resignation. "And I say again, why me?"

Rukia immediately launched her next line of attack. "It's your civic duty, Renji, to promote relationships in the community. After all, without our aid, you and Nii-sama would never have come to each other."

"I'm sure we would have gotten to this point with or without your help," said Renji defensively.

"But not as quickly! It might have taken decades for you to realize that you didn't just want to best him, you wanted to bone him too." Rukia folded her arms in obvious satisfaction, her point made. Even the crude little joke had the smooth delivery of premeditation. Renji's brows came together sharply.

"Rukia! Your language is awful! Byakuya..."

"As for Nii-sama," continued Rukia with the inexorable verbal equivalent of a lunge, "if not for all the hints we dropped, he probably would never have admitted to himself that he wanted more than merely prodding you into a captaincy. And the two of you wouldn't be making sheep's eyes at each other at every meal even when I'm home and then going off to your study to make out. You're worse than rabbits."

"Now that I think of it," Rukia was ignoring Renji's attempts to fling himself across the space to muffle her while Matsumoto and Hinamori held him back, "you even owe your captaincy to finally getting clear in your head what you feel about Nii-sama. So you ought to be grateful you've received so much from the community, Renji, and try to give something back!"

Renji finally gave up a bad job and sat back. "Can't I go dig wells in Rukongai or sign up for the next SWA community project or something like that?" he asked plaintively.

"Ah, Abarai-kun, this is our next community project!" replied Matsumoto triumphantly.

Across from her, Hinamori nodded in enthusiastic accord.

Renji scrambled for more counter-arguments. A man had to go down fighting, or never hold his head up again.

"But... It's Unohana Taicho! Don't you think that of all the Gotei Thirteen, she's the one person who knows what she wants? If she wanted Zaraki, she would have gotten him by now."

"Ah, but sometimes, people don't always see what's in front of them and they need a little push. Look at Nii-sama." Rukia replied, to sapient nods from her two conspirators.

"Yeah, well, Byakuya. But don't you think Unohana Taichou...? Based on the principle of 'Physician, heal thyself'?"

"But we would scarcely be good comrades, or friends, or peers, or subordinates, if we left Unohana Taichou to herself, would we, Abarai-kun?" Hinamori looked appealingly at Renji. "After all, she's done so much for me."

Renji recalled the long period of healing Hinamori had undergone after Aizen Sousuke. He and the others had sat with her for long hours while she alternately wept and sunk into despairing silence. Through all of that, Unohana's healing reiatsu had remained a comforting and pervasive presence.

Hinamori added wistfully, "When my time comes, I hope that someone will do the same for me and find me a match well-matched to me."

"Aww, Momo," Matsumoto's smile was warm and sympathetic, "I promise, when fate knocks at your door, we will make the best possible match for you, and you'll realize that your infatuation with that old illusionist was as a weak candle flame to the blazing sun, as trite as that may sound. In the meantime, you will observe how couples truly in love with each other conduct themselves."

Hinamori returned a weak smile, a light flush in her cheeks. But Renji was glad to see that the hurt fragility that the mention of Aizen usually brought to her features was held at bay. Perhaps only Matsumoto could mention that forbidden subject and leave Hinamori unscathed, even after a decade. But Hinamori was a blade of tempered steel, and if her experience with Aizen had left a chink, subsequent tempering had restored the fundamental integrity. They had all made sure of that.

Renji sighed, gathering the attention of his companions to him again. "Since you put it that way, Himamori," he said gently, "I guess I can't refuse, can I?"

Later that night, Renji lay against Byakuya, face buried in his neck. Though the open sliding doors, the full moon shed its wintry light over them, turning Byakuya's eyes silver and icing his dark hair. He felt the heavy beat of Byakuya's heart against his as their bodies cooled from the first passions of the night.

"I hear that you joined Rukia for tea with Matsumoto and Hinamori fukutaichous today." Renji was unsurprised at the comment. Byakuya knew everything that took place in the Residence, through the offices of Senzo, his house steward. Renji too received the same reports, but he did not peruse them as carefully as Byakuya did.

Renji sighed, the exhalation accompanied by the thought that this was his umpteenth sigh of the day. "I don't understand how Rukia can always turn me into a blithering idiot. It was just as if I was back in Rukongai all throughout tea." He lifted his head from Byakuya's collarbone and sought his partner's eyes. "Guess what your sister's latest escapade is."

"As I recall, Rukia is your sister as well."

"But you were responsible for her education."

"You grew up with her during your formative years."

"But she was never like this."

Then Renji considered his words. "I take that back, all the signs were there. But turning out this particular way..." His eyes met the faintly ironic smile on Byakuya's face. "Okay, let's just blame iour/i sister's interests on her exposure to the SWA and leave it at that." The beginnings of a smile grew on his lips. "Some things are better left unexplained."

"Tell me instead what latest, and no doubt irksome, promise you have made to Rukia." The calm voice held no inflections of curiosity, only certainty.

Renji laid a line of tiny kisses on the fine jawline. "A little matter of match-making," he whispered. He felt the jaw muscles tighten briefly and he grinned ruefully.

"Clarify, if you please." This time, Byakuya's voice held a mild hint of the forbearance that Renji himself was all too familiar with. Snuggling into the firm chest, he launched into his explanation.

"So that's what Rukia and the others want me to do," concluded Renji, after he had recounted his afternoon to his audience of one. "But, how do you get two people to fall in love?"

"How did we?"

"Hm, office romance?" Renji had a brief vision of either taichou in their opposite's division in all its dazzling wrongness. He quickly discarded the idea. "Well, that's not going to work here."

"A delicate matter indeed. I hope that you will be suitably circumspect."

"You are always circumspect, Byakuya."

"I regret that I will be unable to take a hand in this matter."

"What? I was counting on you to help out!"

"I do not consider myself equipped to intervene in matters involving the emotions of two persons."

Renji's eyes widened in perplexity. To any other listener, Byakuya's statement would have sounded cold-blooded, but they were beyond these uncertainties. Nevertheless, his hands tightened in Byakuaya's hair.

"I do not include us in this statement. Had I the opportunity to turn back the clock, I would have once again acted as I have acted, and with greater alacrity. But the path of another, I find I cannot chart." The voice was its usual monotone, but the fingers tracing his features were gentle.

Renji's hands relaxed. This prudence was so characteristic of Byakuya. "Well, still, you know us."

"Inductive reasoning is most unreliable when applied to love or any other emotion, Renji. This matchmaking business requires not reason but the warmer emotions of friendship in its approach."

"Byakuya..." The name was an exasperated sigh on Renji's lips.

"It is your warmth and generosity that is needed. After all, did you not agree to take on this assignment because an appeal was made to your friendship?"

"If you leave out the sucker part." Renji made a wry face.

"There is that." Few would have recognized the teasing tone in Byakuya's voice. Briefly, Renji's teeth flashed in the dark as he acknowledged the sally.

"I still wished this hadn't landed in my lap, though. I can't even begin to imagine where I should start. How do they expect me to do anything about this?"

Byakuya shifted Renji into a closer embrace, hands meeting at the small of Renji's back. "Renji, you are one of the most well-received and best-liked shinigami in Seireitei, with a wide circle of friends among the ranking shinigami as well as congenial relations with most of the taichous. Probably the only taichou better liked is Ukitake Jyuushiro, and you cannot expect him to act as matchmaker. For one, Kyouraku Shunsui will never forgive you if he gets involved and Zaraki goes after him." A thin smile touched Byakuya's lips, then widened as it hovered briefly over Renji's abashed expression.

"Byakuya, you overrate..." The words were silenced by the light kiss and the quick reconnaissance of a tongue.

With the faintest smirk of satisfaction, Byakuya continued. "Besides, you have a unique relationship with the Eleventh Division and are probably one of the few shinigami Zaraki can tolerate outside the Eleventh. There is also the matter of your long-standing friendship with Ikkaku and Ayasegawa."

"Being one of the few fools willing to indulge Zaraki in his so-called training." Renji snorted in amused dismay. His lover's head moved an infinitesimal degree in concurrence.

"And of course, no other taichou can claim three fukutaichous among his closest associates-- Rukia is your sister and Matsumoto and Hinamori are your closest female friends. Why do you think they approached you?"

"Because I'm a sucker who can't say no?" Renji sighed deeply as Byakuya's arms tightened. "Yes, we've already established that." His voice turned plaintive. "Zaraki I can see, but I'm no drinking companion of Unohana Retsu's!"

"But you have never been uncomfortable with her, have you? And she treats you with tolerant humour." Renji growled at the tolerant humour in Byakuya's voice.

"Huh. That sounds as if she thinks I'm an idiot. Besides, I am the most junior of the taichous! Okay, the thought of Hitsugaya trying to match-make boggles the mind, but why not Hisagi-senpai, or you? You're about in the middle in terms of seniority!"

"I am respected in the Gotei Thirteen but I have never stood on terms of intimate friendship with most of the shinigami. Any approach from me would be seen as an impertinence."

Renji's hands swept Byakuya's fringe away from his forehead. "Idiot. I don't know why you persist in seeing yourself as cold and indifferent." His thumb brushed over the short brow. "Your men would follow you into Hell itself if you so decided. That's not just respect they have for you." His voice roughened. "And you make me burn."

Gently, he kissed each eyelid. "You led us all through the war, and even before its end, you made plans, lord of the Kuchiki, to win the peace, beginning with your own clan. You are truly one of the great men of Soul Society." He lowered his face into Byakuya's hair and inhaled deeply.

There was a restful silence before a very dry voice spoke, "Even so, I do not foresee for myself a role as matchmaker to the Gotei Thirteen."

Renji groaned. He allowed himself several more moments in the cloud of his lover's hair, then lifted his head. "You've made your point. I'll handle this myself." An index finger tapped Byakuya's forehead lightly. "But this doesn't mean I'm not going to ask you for advice and stuff."

"I will offer you suggestions, Renji, but leave all practical actions in your capable hands. I look forward to witnessing your creativity."

"Sarcasm is unbecoming of you, Byakuya."

"And when Zaraki goes after you, you have my word that I will nurse you back to health most faithfully."

"Bastard," said Renji with feeling.

"But as ever, yours." A light chuckle floated through the darkness. Byakuya's breath tickled his ears, before sharp teeth nipped his earlobe.

"Now turn your attention solely to me, Renji. I have a great desire to feel you within me." A pair of slim thighs tightened around his hips as the hands at his back pressed downwards.

"But I've already had my turn..." Abruptly, Renji broke off. "Are you being nice, Byakuya? You know I don't really care about the mechanics, as long as both of us end up in the same place. You don't have to give up your turn just to reassure me!"

"Enough conversation, Renji. The topic grows tedious, and the night is but young."

Byakuya rubbed tantalizingly against Renji, and Renji felt every intended caress deep in his bones. Byakuya was right, the night belonged to them alone. He shoved all thought of his fellow taichous and the SWA far from his mind and gave in to his partner's demands.

"Whipped," thought Renji, as his body moved in rhythmic cadence against Byakuya's. He was so whipped.

Research, Renji decided, was the key. Which was why he was currently giving up lunch with Byakuya for a corner in a cramped ramen store with Ikkaku Madrame, Ayasegawa Yumichika and Iba Tetrazaemon. After all, despite the trio's assurances, he did not even know which way Zaraki swung.

After a period of concentrated and appreciative slurping, the only beautiful way, claimed Ayasegawa, to eat ramen, Ikkaku and Ayasegawa laid down their chopsticks and redirected their attention towards Renji.

"What?" demanded Renji.

Ikkaku snorted. "You're eating lunch with us." He pointed out.

"So I can't eat lunch with you guys? Since when did you become so exclusive?" Renji frowned at Ikkaku, who snorted again.

"What Ikkaku means," said Ayasegawa smoothly, "is that you never eat lunch with us anymore." At Renji's look of dismay, he shook his head. "We're not complaining, Abarai. You still fight with us, drink with us, cook for us, but everyone knows that Abarai Taichou lunches with Kuchiki Taichou when neither of them are on patrol or special duty. And I checked the duty schedules today. It's rather beautiful actually, the effort the both of you make to be with each other." He leaned forward, eyes brightly inquisitive. "So, what do you want to talk about that can't be discussed otherwise?"

Renjij weighed his options. Research was all well and good, but how did one ask if Zaraki liked women? He had hoped to bring the subject around to their pre-Seireitei wanderings and probe discreetly, but now that the two men had seen through him, any conversational gambit would be treated with the greatest scrutiny. And he could not ask them outright. It would be the height of indiscretion to go around saying that he was trying to match-make Zaraki and Unohana when the principals themselves were unaware of the situation.

Grimly, he shrugged and sighed. "Nothing."

"Nothing?" Ayasegawa looked quizzical. Ikkaku's "Huh!" was contemptuous. Iba's reaction could not be discerned behind his sunglasses.

"I'll figure it out," Renji's reply was short. "So let's drop the subject, okay?"

A look of enlightenment spread across Ayasegawa's face. "It's a sexual problem, isn't it? Don't be embarrassed, we'll help you."

Ikkaku's look was wicked. "Can't get it up for Kuchiki-hime, Abarai?"

How, wondered Renji, did a simple plan go so disastrously wrong? Soon, it would be all over Seireitei that the Taichous of the Fifth and the Sixth were having problems in bed. He could see the shinigami at the next table straining to overhear.

"If only you knew, Ikkaku," he replied, flashing his wolf's grin. "We're been trying to figure how to go past half a dozen rounds in one night."

He heard a dozen gasps around him and a muttered, "Don't they sleep?" Ikkaku and Iba began alternately challenging his claim and offering unsolicited advice, and lunch ended on that note. However, Renji did not miss the thoughtful look in Ayasegawa's eyes. Then again, Ayasegawa knew how to keep his own counsel.

Since lunch had been so spectacularly unsuccessful, Renji tried to push all thoughts of matchmaking from his mind as he headed towards his next destination, the Senkaimon and Karakura for the regular debriefing of the living world shinigami and the various Soul Society affiliates which took place every two months. Since the war, the various taichous had argued that they needed to keep their allies close as well as exchange information with them. Renji had been selected as the senior liaison officer and his promotion to taichou had not affected this duty. In fact, sending a taichou merely underlined the importance the ranking shinigami placed on these contacts.

The number of people who gathered at the Urahara Shoten was never fixed, and fluctuated depending on availability and interest. However, the Shoten people were always there, and one or more of the Kurosakis and Kurosaki friends. Hirako Shinji usually towed along a few of his companions as well. Renji suspected it was for the food. He had finally confessed to Urahara Kisuke that his primary hobby was cooking and now he prepared all the meals at their debriefings. Tessai's cooking was just too unreliable, and Byakuya did not appreciate his lover curled up in a small ball whenever he returned from the Shoten. Renji was almost certain that Byakuya would not have the advantage in a kidou fight with Tessai if Urahara's right-hand man was sufficiently offended and cooking for an exploitative shop owner cum ex-taichou was a small preventive price to pay.

As usual, Urahara had left a mountain of ingredients for him, sufficient for several days' meals. With a sigh, Renji set to work. His mind cleared from its matchmaking fog as it eased into the rhythms of the kitchen. Dishes took shape rapidly under his hands. When he finally awoke from his culinary meditations and had added the last ingredient to the simmering pots, he found Kurosaki Isshin leaning at the entrance, arms crossed. It was uncanny how well that man could mask his presence when he wished to, even in the immediate vicinity of another taichou.

Seeing Renji's attention on him, Isshin immediately broke into his manic grin. "Renji, my second son! It's been such a long time! Papa has really missed you!" Arms outstretched, he rushed forward. Quickly, Renji sidestepped and Isshin's arms met around air. It was part of their customary meeting ritual. As Ichigo's best friend, Renji had been claimed paternally by Isshin.

"Isshin-ji, you're here early." Isshin has insisted on the form of address, and Ichigo had told Renji to go along or they would never hear the end of it. Since Renji had first-hand experience of Isshin's persistence-- after all, how many men worshipped a portrait of their wives for nearly two decades with unabated enthusiasm?-- he had quickly agreed without demur.

Isshin broke into loud sobs. "My darling Ryuuken said I was being a nuisance and kicked me out!" His sobs grew louder. "He even fired his arrows at me! Look, one even got me in the butt!" He pointed to his left buttock and Renji could see the slight charring on the material of Isshin's pants. "Ryuu-chan is so mean to me!" He drooped.

Renji crossed his arms and waited. He was not disappointed. Isshin's love of histrionics would never let him end at this point. The next moment, Isshin was crying over Renji's sleeve.

"See, this is what I get for falling in love with a man! Men are so hard-hearted." He glanced up at Renji piteously. "Better watch out for that in your ice-block, Renji." He fell to sobbing again. "Ah, Ryuu-chan, why can't you treat me like my darling Masako? So beautiful and so patient, her smile was like the first light of morning, the first flower in spring, the first sip of life-giving coffee, the cure for the most terrible disease!"

A thought flashed across Renji's mind, only to be discarded almost on the instant. Kurosaki Isshin was the last man in three worlds to ask for reliable advice about matchmaking. Not even if desperation overtook him. Especially if desperation overtook him.

"Er, Isshin-ji, you didn't compare Masako-san to Ishida-san to his face, did you?" For a moment, a different man looked out of Isshin's eyes and Renji had his question answered. He yielded to further curiosity. At this point, any nugget of information he managed to pick up would help, and this wasn't precisely a question about matchmaking techniques per se.

"Isshin-ji, how did you and Masako-san meet?"

Isshin appeared gratified by Renji's curiosity. He drew his shoulders up and threw his head back. "Through the only proper way there is!" he declared. "An omiai, of course!" He frowned ferociously at Renji. "Young people nowadays! You practically leapt into Kuchiki's bed without even a formal introduction, and Ichigo won't listen to his poor papa when I try to set up a proper meeting, my two ungrateful sons!"

"Huh?" Renji ignored the rest of Isshin's complaint and focused on the significant part. "You went through an omiai?" Ichigo's parents had met under the formal auspices of a professional matchmaker?

"But of course, my son, that's the way to do things right! But once I met my Masako, the process ended for me! I could look at no other woman! All I saw was her. Ah, Masako, you were everywhere I looked, in my dreams, in my clinic, even in the porcelain of the toilet bowl! My goddess!" Isshin rapidly descended into paroxysms of reminiscence.

While Isshin reenacted the progress of his courtship and marriage, Renji pondered his situation and finally reached one glaringly obvious conclusion.

He was committed for eternity to the most subtle man in Seireitei, but nobody said that Kuchiki discretion had to rub off on Abarai Renji. In fact, he was known for taking the most direct approach between two points. To hell with unobtrusive matchmaking, he would do better to talk to Unohana Taichou herself and bravely broach the subject in all its embarrassing glory. Even he wasn't so foolhardy as to approach Zaraki. Romance, courtship and marriage were probably taboo words where Zaraki was concerned, and if Yachiru heard him, he would get no peace, and he did not quite want to imagine Byakuya's reaction to a Yachiru on the warpath with Renji as her target, even if Renji had once teased him into the admission that he was fond of the brat.

The resolution to approach Unohana Retsu carried Renji through his debriefing, the obligatory tussle with Ichigo, his return to Soul Society and right into Unohana's office once he had requested an appointment and was granted one with gratifying promptitude. Goodness knew what Unohana thought, however, since Renji was absolutely certain that the little luncheon rumour had by this point spread like wildfire across the length and breadth of Seireitei.

"Unohana Taichou, what do you think of Zaraki Taichou. Romantically, I mean?" Horrified, Renji nearly clapped a hand to his mouth as he felt even the tips of his ears flame. He had barely seated himself in Unohana's office when the words had leapt from his unruly tongue.

There was a moment of silence in the office as Renji frantically fought to find words of apology and Unohana blinked rapidly, the only sign of reaction on her placid face. What was he doing? Direct didn't mean lacking in finesse, and he had doubtless broken several rules of polite conversation. On the other hand, he could not quite imagine himself exchanging niceties with Unohana before alluding in subtle but intelligible ways to the main reason for his visit. Nevertheless, he could have phrased his query more tactfully.

He wondered if he could have Hihiou Zabimaru open a furrow in the ground deep enough to hide him from sight.

Finally, Unohana Retsu appeared to take pity on him. The slight smile on her lips and the crinkle at the corners of her eyes reassured him that he had not utterly lost all credibility with her.

"I appreciate your kind thoughts, Abarai Taichou, and those of your companions."

"My... companions?" Renji stammered. He knew better than to give up any names. Rukia's wrath loomed before his eyes.

Unohana smiled gently, and folded her hands over her braid. "Rukia and Rangiku, doubtless, are the ringleaders, and probably the only people, apart from Kuchiki Taichou, for whom you would commit to such an undertaking, Rukia in particular. Rangiku is rather like a steam-roller, I believe that is the living world term. Everything falls before her, and she's already had decades of practice with her own taichou. They were the ones who approached you, I presume."

Hypnotized by the accuracy of her analysis, Renji nodded despite himself.

Unohana's smile deepened. "There is very little that you and Kuchiki Taichou would keep from each other, and nothing of import, I suspect, so I would surmise that he has declined to involve himself and left matters in your hands, hence your decision to speak to me directly."

Renji rubbed his neck uneasily, but her next words stopped his agitation.

"Abarai Taichou, perhaps you will relax when I say that speaking to me is probably the best thing you could have done, and I applaud you for your decisiveness in this matter. I can imagine the persuasions that Rukia and Rangiku must have brought to bear on you, and their enjoinments to secrecy."

As Renji repressed his sigh, he felt Unohana's reiatsu reach out in reassurance. The ball of tension that had lodged in his shoulders since the previous day dissipated and he exhaled in gratitude.

"Hinamori is your fukutaichou, and in her quiet way an extremely aggressive person, so I would hazard that she's involved as well, and reporting on your progress to the others. As for Ise Nanao-- she's difficult to read, but she is Rangiku's best female friend and the true power behind the SWA when she wishes. I do not believe that she can be unaware of their plans. However, you may rest easy in your mind, Abarai Taichou, and leave matters in my hands."

For a moment, Renji wondered if leaving matters in Unohana's capable hands counted as deserting one's comrades in the heat of battle. Then he recalled the cunning looks in the trio's eyes and reached the age-old conclusion that men had reached throughout history. Some things were better left to the women.

"As for those others who would interest themselves in my welfare, you need not be concerned that there will be pressure from those quarters. Soi Fon keeps her own counsel, and as long as she is convinced that a relationship between Zaraki Taichou and myself will not be a security breach, she is unlikely to involve herself further in a private matter, especially since Yoruichi and Kisuke are not involved. This was her modus operandi when you and Kuchiki Byakuya became a couple. In fact, she is probably pleased that high ranking shinigami are forming pairs, since that would mean less rivals for Yoruichi's attention."

Renji's eyebrows went up. He knew that Soi Fon was obsessed, but he had never realized the degree.

"Isane is my fukutaichou in every sense of the word, and she would never go behind my back, even if she's convinced that it is for my own good, nor will she permit any such actions if she becomes aware of them. Kiyone can't keep a secret from anyone, let alone from her sister. Besides, when it is not a matter of Ukitake Taichou and Sentarou, she tends to follow her sister's lead."

Unohana paused and took a sip of tea while Renji mulled over her words. Unohana really did exert an iron control over her division. His thoughts went to his own fukutaichou and the nefarious tendency of old school friends to walk all over a person. He was only returned to the present when Unohana resumed her analysis.

"Nemu probably knows. She is programmed to notice and record, but not many things actually catch her attention, and beyond her work in the Twelfth Division, she has an extremely narrow set of interests. So she probably wouldn't say anything to you. As for Yachiru, she has a unique position as the sole female in Zaraki Taichou's life, which she guards zealously, and she is unlikely to encourage any developments that will admit another female into his life. Furthermore, neither Rukia nor Rangiku are able to handle her, so they must have kept her in the dark."

Renji swallowed. Unohana had gone down the list of the ranking members of the SWA and accurately dissected the thoughts and actions of each one. He had always thought that she was the most formidable captain in the Gotei Thirteen, Yama-ji notwithstanding, and she always managed to prove that when he was least on his guard.

Gathering himself together, he finally found the words he had been seeking.

"I thank you for your patience and tolerance, Unohana Taichou, and apologize for my impertinence and any discomfort my words may have caused you." Raising to his feet, he bowed formally, Taichou to Taichou.

Unohana nodded, then returned his bow. "You will learn with experience, Abarai Taichou, that there are very few things which are truly forbidden. Attempting to ensure my well-being can never be one of them."

Then she smiled, a mischievous smile that fully matched the youthfulness of her voice. Stunned, Renji could only stare.

"I will let you in on a secret, Abarai Taichou. Your representations today are not so different from my thoughts these days. After all, only Zaraki seems to have the ability to engage my entire attention in recent years, and now, with the reconstruction of Soul Society complete, perhaps it is time to turn to personal matters, just as you and Kuchiki Taichou have done."

By the time Renji managed to shut his jaw, he had been gently evicted from Unohana's consulting room and was standing alone in the corridor. Shaking his head, he began chuckling quietly to himself. He couldn't wait to tell Byakuya. His smile turned wolfish. As for the troublesome trio, they deserved to remain in suspense for a much, much longer period of time.

* * *

**Omake 1**

"Half a dozen times?" The short, dark eyebrow was faintly quizzical.

The wolf's grin flashed. "Didn't want to boast, you know. The others might have felt inadequate if I had told them the truth."

"One should always strive for excellence."

"We do have three days off duty, starting this evening. What do you say to more excellence?"

"Expectations exist to be surpassed."

"You always put things so elegantly."

"A pleasure."

* * *

**Omake 2**

Renji eyed the dark head in his lap thoughtfully. "Byakuya, you know how Rukia's been really into this matchmaking thing recently?"

"Hngh?"

"I just remembered, someone once told me that women matchmake because the ones they're really want to match are themselves."

"Rukia has not approached me concerning such matters."

"Well, if it's anyone, it's going to be Ichigo, isn't it?"

"A most regrettable thought."

"Ha, I know you. You can hardly wait for him to come asking your permission."

"I confess that it is a most intriguing prospect."

"Please do your best, Byakuya. My methods won't work. After all, I go after him so frequently that beating him up for Rukia's sake wouldn't have any impact. Even if we add you and Senbonzakura to the mix. He's used to that too. Besides, if we start fighting, I'll bet you anything that Zaraki's going to turn up. Which would miss the point of beating him up in this case."

Far away in the Eleventh Division, Zaraki Kenpachi's head abruptly lifted, like a predator scenting prey, or a brawler smelling a fight. He wondered when Renji and Kuchiki-hime were going to have their next round with Ichigo. Those were always fun.

* * *

**Omake 3**

"Hey, Byakuya, you don't think they would elope, would you? It seems like Ichigo's style, especially if Isshin-ji gets involved."

"Bankai..."

* * *

**Omake 4**

"Ikkaku," whispered Ayasegawa urgently, "Taichou's going to Unohana Taichou's for tea yet again!"

"Che, he's seeing too much of those puny fools at the Fourth!" Ikkaku spat contemptuously. "Though Unohana's different." There was a glimmer of respect in his tone at the mention of the Fourth Division Taichou.

"That's not the point," retorted his friend impatiently. "What am I going to do about Yachiru?"

"Eh, she's not going with Taichou?" Ikkaku's head jerked up in surprise.

"Taichou said it was an adults' tea, whatever that means," Ayasegawa was careful not to allow frown lines on his forehead, but his perturbation was clear. "I suspect he himself doesn't know what that means. And," he added, "I have a feeling that it will be a very bad thing if Yachiru finds out what it means."

"Just give the brat crayons and candy. And if she wants to run all over the place, we can't stop her!" Ikkaku's reply was careless.

"Ikkaku Madrame," said Ayasegawa impatiently," you are not taking this seriously enough."

Ikkaku finally gave Ayasegawa his full attention. The other man only used his full name when he was in deadly earnest. "This is bothering you so much?"

"I have the feeling," began Ayasegawa slowly, "that something big is going to happen, and it will involve all of us. And that Yachiru should be kept in the dark for the present."

Ikkaku stared at his friend for a long moment. Then a wide feral smirk spread across his face. "Change, huh? Sounds like exciting times ahead!" He rubbed his hands together. "I can hardly wait!"

A slight smile touched Ayasegawa's lips. "Aye. But first we have to deal with Yachiru. You know how she gets when she doesn't feel Taichou's reiatsu in the division."

Ikkaku's smirk deepened. "Send her to Kuchiki-hime. She won't mind Taichou not being here if she can play there. Besides, Abarai was damned suspicious the other day. Let his hime take care of Yachiru."

Ayasegawa looked probingly at Ikkaku. "So you think so too? That what he wanted to talk about has something to do with my presentiment?"

Ikkaku snorted. "You worry too much, idiot. Who cares what has to do with what? We'll just fight each day as it comes!"

Ayasegawa relaxed. "Aye. After all, we _are_ the Eleventh Division."

Byakuya and Renji looked up from their paperwork and stared at each other. What was that strangely heavy feeling in the air?


End file.
